so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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