DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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