shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
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how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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