Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
