wanna go halves on a baby?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
A+ Viking dick
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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