Only a mothe r could love this liver
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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