booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
