Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
