none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
