i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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