wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
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