I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Randomize
