mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
