Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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