My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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