with your own penis?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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