I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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