the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
