apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
