I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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