Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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