Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
