So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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