If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
