i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
