Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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