I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm jealous of your bromance
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
