btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
