just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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