If i come over, it means nothing
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
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It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
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Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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