dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
