He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize