so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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