Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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