Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
