So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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