don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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