I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i drank out of a bidet.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
