There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
