well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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