i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
