Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
