I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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