if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Actions speak louder than pants.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
