$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
