i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
