Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
