she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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