i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
