i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
