You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
