Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
