dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
