I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
