I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
