please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
