on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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