I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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