I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
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last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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