Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
